Friday, September 3, 2010

I suddenly realised that the restless itchy feeling was the need to write. So I will.

Thirty-one, thirty-one!

For the first time in an age I have a song crush. I have played one song so often that I fear my neighbours may be getting out the pitchforks. The burning plastic smell may indicate that they decided to forego the pitchforks and the stake and go straight to the burning. Woe?

By now, really, reasonably, rightly I should be sick of it but I’m not. I have reverted to teenager type. I suspect that I shall shortly start doing weird things with incense, start colouring my hair with textas, write endless tedious and monumentally pretentious letters, and just generally moan about things. I really was a cool kid, yeah.

What you got is what you wanted. Alternately, so many different choices that you've got to make instead.

Is this the life I wanted? I feel stuck in default. Did I want the default? Should I have fought harder? Should I have set my mind to a vocation and a career and just gone for it? Yeah, the usual crap I’ve been going on about for years. Which reminds me, I read High Fidelity the other day. I’m changing the title to Me As A Man. My internal monologue checklist went tick tick tick and tick tock once or twice. There’s really nothing like fiction to hold a mirror up to one’s soul and have it spit back the broken glass of failure. Not just failure but holding off, holding back, keeping the options open and watching life slip away. I think the seven years bad luck is at an end.

Won’t you stop and remember me…?

I have, quite unashamedly, been enjoying the election. What fun. Despite a general consensus – sometimes expressed very crudely indeed – that I neither understand politics, political processes, or, in fact, anything about anything especially that relating to The Real World the politics nerd in me as re-awoken with a roar. Frighteningly, there’s a lot I’ve forgotten and quite a lot I may never have known. Despite generally feeling like I should know everything as everyone else seems to I don’t really mind admitting that I’m ignorant. Nor do I mind reading, watching, listening, asking questions and just generally trying to alleviate my ignorance.

Standin’ on the corner of civilization.

In the last couple of months I’ve realised how much I have been deluding myself. I’ve always known how I try to please other people - don’t be difficult, don’t make a fuss, have a nice stable job, don’t ask for money, don’t need any help, don’t make me worry about you. More than anything I have failed to please myself for years and I have hidden away. Most critically, given how much time we spend doing it, I have deluded myself as to what I should work as or at. Better a job in the hand and better a better job in the hand. I am capable and intelligent and quite good at solving problems (rather over being an agony aunt though – the answer is grow the fuck up – seriously). I learn quickly. I make connections fast. All of this leads to me being very bored a very great deal of the time.

Last year I made a compromise plan to get myself a better job and well blah blah. Lately I’ve realised how disastrous that would have been. My interests, when it comes down to it, are politics, political history, the bizarre world that is quantum physics (understanding minimal, keep plugging away though), and good writing. You could probably add a bit of psychology and sociology into that – they are, to a certain extent, implied in politics and history – because I like to know how people tick. Most importantly, I can’t come up with a single fucking reason why I should work boring shit jobs and not be involved in things I’m interested in. That’s quite a scary moment. There’s a part of my brain that asks why I should be different from other people. There’s another part that asks why I shouldn’t. I’m quite used to being thought a freak – I often wonder if other people get the criticism and backhanded insults I get simply for doing such things as reading books or speaking well. How fucking dare I, yeah?

I still need to write so maybe I’ll do some more of that.


  1. Hell, yeah! More blogs posts, more! Bring on the writing bug (twiddles antennae.)

  2. I'm glad someone else is enjoying the election.
    The backflipping, the grovelling, the bullying, the leaks, it's all been marvellous and it's not over yet.

  3. Mitzi,I shall try but no guarantees

    JahTeh, what's not to love? It's so interesting. And it's fascinating to watch how decayed our political structures are and just how worryingly and wilfully ignorant people are - and how thoroughly selfish. Not a surprise by any means though.

  4. I think you may find that when people read your blog they also tick off their own personal checklists too. We're all a little odd in our own unique ways.

    And ignorance of some aspects of politics is a healthy thing. There's just so much of it that really can't be taken seriously.

  5. The thing is, I don't think I am particularly odd or unique. I am sometimes embarrassed by how pedestrian I am. I suppose it's a sign of maturity that I no longer try to be different.

    My bitterness about the politics thing is that I am constantly told by people who don't know their political left from their political right and who think communist equals everything to the left of Hitler how partisan I am and how ignorant. Of course, I'm also frequently told that I don't live in the real world and am not a real contributing member of society because I have neither a mortgage nor a car. Not to mention how brainwashed I am. As I said, a little bitter...

  6. What was your song crush? I haven't had one since Antony's 'you are my sister'. Please write more. And have I said I LOVE the title of this blog?

  7. Hi SHelley. You should try learning calculus. That will increase your understanding of physics and alienate your friends even more. Two birds, one stone. Good idea no?

    Keep looking for a better job though! You don't have a mortgage to risk, do you?

  8. Meredith (hope you don't mind), thank you very much. I'd love if it was as original title but as with so many other things I just stole some lyrics. Terribly appropriate for blogging though! The song is 'Sunday Best' by Washington.

    Mark, I adore you for thinking that my brain could manage calculus. What's this about alienating friends even more? I will keep looking. Better yet my sister keeps sending me jobs to apply for though many of them are bizarre and not at all interesting so I don't. No mortgage - I continue to live in Sydney...

  9. No matter the job, you'll still have to suck it up on a daily basis, so no, don't move to something else purely for the sake of it, but continue to look, try out different roles in your mind, what you think might make your working day a little more interesting or bearable.

    As for feeling like a freak - is it them or is it us, hey? Really, it's so fucking insulting that having a brain, having an opinion is still deemed to be problematic for women (don't kid yourself that it's not at least partly a gender issue) - if you were a guy, you'd be indulged and treated like the office pet eccentric.

    For the most part, be grateful you're not part of the huge lake of sludge, be pleased that you haven't succumbed entirely and that your brain still functions. Personal integrity matters, even if it can make day to day life a pain in the butt.